Once upon a time I used a public restroom.
If you're like me, it's not the best place to be. It starts with pushing open the usually wooden door with my elbows. My imagination runs wild with images of notorious cartoon-like germs scaling the porous and worn wood grain slat. With one opening I have already stirred millions of germs who've made the rims, and basins of the toilets and sinks, their play land. The floors are fodder for years old, dirty- grime - slime. Public restrooms are not my favorite place to visit, but they are a necessary stop when 3 hour lunches with a friend happens. Often. With lots and lots of coffee.
It's enough to head into a pre-conceived scary germ fest without adding to it's grossness factor, but I've got to tell you this. The story of all restroom stories.
Panera at the Green, Beavercreek. There, I said it. There are only two stalls. The handicap stall, which offers a little more room (my choice always) and the non-handicapper. I was intending to do a quick pit stop, then wash my hands and hug my friend goodbye. This day, this time, the luxury spacial suite wasn't available. So I had to choose the lesser of the two. No big deal...I'll just go in there even though it's a little more cramped than the other one...I wanted to hurry so I didn't waste time and could say good-bye to my friend. Famous Last Words.
It went like this:
Enter said stall. Maneuver my 50 pound shoulder brief case (I still need to examine it to see why it is so heavy) around my body, over my shoulder and neck to release it so that I could hang it on the flimsy hook that could very possibly plummet with said weight of this case while I occupied this very small, cramped space. While, I might add, as I was bending at the knee so as to make room to do this circus act in the space available, and I know I'm a large person, but really....6 inches for knee room is not enough for anyone! But I digress. I don't need to go into any other details other than what has become the main event.
The main event:
I finished. I wiped. The automatic flusher flushed. Have you heard of a cyclone? Water rushing, flying, squirting, aiming for the moon (pun intended)! Wow! What a rush! That must be what a Bide' is like! But eeeewwwww, there's no-way Panera has a Bidet in their restroom! Ok. Repeat wipe...SWOOSH! Again!?!? Stop already!...Quick, wipe... stand...SWOOSH!! !!!!!!NOOOOOOO!!!!!This is not happening in a Too Small, Too Cramped, Too hard to get my pants back on and shoulder bag maneuvered before the next...SWOOOOOSH!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! SWOOOOOOSHHHH!!!!!!!AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
HELP! Friend...are you still there????? Yes she says...is everything o.k.? Laugh. Gaffaw, Chuckle, Snort.....tee hee..... What is going on?
I'm stuck and I can't get out DRY! !! !! !! !!
I don't care...I'm going to make a wet run for it!
Most Uncomfortable Feeling EVER!!!!!
Wet Wet Wet....icky public bathroom wet...eeeeeuuuuuuuwwwwwww.
It's over. I'm o.k. Trama done.
Note to self: Next time and every time...choose the handicap stall!!